About Me 🤔¶

I remember in elementary school, our teacher made us memorize this sentence: "Жизнь даётся человеку один раз, и прожить её надо так, чтобы не было мучительно больно за бесцельно прожитые годы, чтобы не жёг позор за подленькое и мелочное прошлое, чтобы, умирая, смог сказать: вся жизнь и все силы были отданы самому прекрасному в мире — борьбе за освобождение человечества." At that time, I didn't yet understand what this sentence meant, nor could I grasp the spirit of Pavel Korchagin. I merely recited it, trying to understand its meaning from the arrangement of words.

Like most people, I have walked the path that countless others have walked from the past to the present. No road is less traveled; I've just been "going with the flow," living out my limited time, like Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a mountain until death. The essence of life is the same. Even for Pavel Korchagin, his life was still a repetition of the lives chosen by many.

Even so, I still hope my life is a plane, not a line. The difference is, even if two people walk the same path and reach the same destination, one person's soul soars at 30,000 feet, looking down on the multitudes, like Pavel Korchagin, who had unique thoughts about the world. The other's soul is always in a cramped cell, the light bulb above his head either on or off.

Once one's perspective broadens, people's petty scrambles seem so insignificant, like the joys and sorrows of ants.

I really want to tell myself: your soul is actually very noble. Compared to most people in this environment, you are one of the few who grasp the truth. You see others in the dorm playing games, scrolling through short videos, and you feel contempt and disdain; you are not one of them. You have lofty ideals, general goals; you are nobler than them. But who can this despicable self-consolation deceive? Then I think, I haven't escaped being a faithful servant of meritocracy either. I put others in the same box and myself in a special one, trying to find comfort, but in reality, I am also confined, imprisoned by this world of four walls.

I also regret my yesterday, or the day before. I've also been busy with superficial things like status, vanity, position, and academic pursuits, doing what most people in this evaluation system consider "good." I've made countless resolutions, some successful, some failed. Most of the time, those so-called "successes" were just products of going with the flow. I've also indulged in what most people indulge in, read a lot of self-help platitudes and grand principles, learned some superficial Western philosophy. One of my feet has stepped into the gate of nihilism. I thought I had touched the essence of life, but the vast starry sky above was still a product of my imagination.

I don't like my past, nor do I like this world, this environment. Under its evaluation system, I'm not considered an outstanding person. I can't choose to do what I like. I always let my life overlap with others', bound by dogma. I mistakenly chose my future, and my life's trajectory has thus turned onto a thorny, winding path. Although I am unwilling to walk this path, I have no choice but to walk it with a heart full of grief and indignation, or rather, I have never truly chosen for myself.

I examine myself, overwhelmed with shame. I have long been alienated, getting through life in a numb, half-awake, half-asleep state, following my animal instincts, my habits, never managing to escape. I am afraid to truly examine my inner self, afraid of the habitual thinking patterns that control me. I try my best to avoid writing down the essence of my degeneration, or recording it in words.

I just say, I scrolled through videos today, I didn't complete a certain task today, I was unlucky in such-and-such way today. Then, in reflection, I write down what I will do tomorrow, how I plan to do things differently, or that I did well today, dedicating my time to the work of "adults."

In a few months, or a few years, will I still wake up exhausted or numb on new ruins? Will I still repeat these superficial entries, unwilling to touch the essence of life? While there's still time, I want to see myself clearly.

I have achieved almost nothing. A lot of negative things are draining my energy. In my first year of university, I was always disappointed in myself. I didn't meet like-minded people; instead, I was used by those hyenas who only see their own interests. I am frequently disgusted by utilitarian puppets chasing fame and profit, and I feel sorrow for the walking dead that we (including myself) have become. It seems we have lost our youth, our passion, our innocence.

I've always been planning my life, and always been afraid of failure. I'm unwilling to believe in myself, so I'm always reluctant to take the first step. I always hope for the best, yet plan many escape routes, and then stay in my comfort zone. What I need to do now is to grind for my GPA and learn computer science. I don't know what's holding me back, perhaps the haunting feeling of past failures, so I'm afraid everything will come to naught, and thus choose never to start. It seems like inertia has made me accept that I am a failure, making me terrified of every new beginning.

Actually, only one-tenth of my life has any semblance of order; the rest of the time, I'm just being pushed forward. In most cases, my thoughts are muddled, appearing at opportune moments, sinking, and then immediately forgotten. At least, I want to make it one-half, or one-third. Even if many things haven't started, I want to commit my life as much as possible to "myself," to my conscious awareness, to choose any one thing and devote myself to it. Then, everything will surely be very different, surely "the gears of fate will begin to turn." If "my own" life becomes a melody, what peak can I not reach?

The Little Prince said: "What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well." What a romantic sentence! Even in this dire situation, there is still a glimmer of hope. For this, how many people have dedicated their entire lives to seeking it, not caring if they will ever truly find it, nor if it's just a mirage. The pursuit itself is thrilling enough.

我记得在我小学的时候，老师要我们背过这么一句话：“人的一生，应当这样度过，当他回首往事的时候，不会因为虚度年华而悔恨，也不会因为碌碌无为而羞耻，这样，在临死的时候，他就能够说，我的整个生命和全部精力，都已经献给世界上最壮丽的事业——为人类的解放而斗争。”那时我还不清楚这句话是什么意思，还不能领悟到保尔柯察金的精神，我只是单纯地背诵，试图从字词的排列中获取理解这句话。

跟大多数人一样，我走过了从过去到现在无数人都在走的道路，没有任何一条路是人烟稀少的，我只不过一直在随“大流”，在有限的时间度过一生，如同西西弗斯往高山推动石头，直至死亡。生命的本质都是一样的，即使是保尔柯察金，他的一生，依旧是重复不少人所选择的一生。

即便如此，我仍旧希望我的人生是一个面，而非一条线。不同的是，即使两个人走在同一条道路上，最终抵达的是同一个目的地，但一个人的灵魂总是从三万英尺的高空俯瞰芸芸众生，如同保尔柯察金，他对这个世界有着独特的思考，而另一个人的灵魂总是在狭小的牢房里，他头顶的灯泡要么亮着，要么熄灭。

一旦视野变得广阔，相比之下人的狗苟蝇营就显得那样渺小，如同蝼蚁的悲欢。

我很想告诉自己：你的灵魂其实非常高尚，相比于这个环境下的大多数人，你其实是手握真理的少部分，你看到其他人在打游戏，在刷短视频，你不想与他们并不为伍，你有崇高的理想，有大致的目标，你比他们高尚。但这卑劣的自我安慰，究竟能欺骗谁？我又想到，我也没有逃过成为优绩主义忠实的奴仆。我把别人放在相同的盒子里，把自己放在特别的盒子里，试图从中聊以安慰，实际上我也被这四面墙的天地所围困，所囚禁。

我也悔恨我的昨天，或是前天，我也为权势、虚荣、职务、学问之类表面的东西忙忙碌碌，做着这个评价体系下大多数人认为是“好的”的事情。我也立过无数个flag，有的成功有的失败，多数时候，那些所谓的“成功”不过是随波逐流的产物。我也沉迷着大多数人沉迷的事物，看过很多鸡汤、大道理，了解过西方哲学的一些皮毛，我的一只脚踏入了虚无主义的大门，我自以为触及生命的本质，但头上浩瀚的星空实依旧源自于我的幻想。

我并不喜欢我的过去，也并不喜欢这个世界这个环境，在这儿的评价体系下我不是一个优秀的人，我没有办法选择做自己喜欢做的事，我总是让我的生命与他人的生活重叠，被教条所束缚，我错误地抉择了我的未来，人生轨迹因此拐进了一条布满荆棘的弯路，虽然我并不愿意走在这条路上，但是我除了满腔悲愤的走在这条路上别无选择，或者说，我从未真正为自己选择过。

我带着羞愧难当的心情审视自己，我早就已经被异化了，在半醒半睡的麻木状态中熬日子，遵从我的动物本能、我的习惯，一直未能逃脱。我害怕真正地审视自己的内心，我害怕控制着我的惯性思维，我尽可能避免把堕落的本质写在纸上，或是以文字的形式记录下来。

我只是说，我今天刷了视频，我今天没有完成某个任务，我今天是怎样怎样倒霉，然后在反思中写下我明天要怎样怎样，我要如何规划明白，或是今天做的不错，我把我的时间奉献在“大人”的工作上。

难道在几个月、几年以后，我仍是精疲力竭、或麻木不仁地在新的废墟上醒来？我仍是重复不像样的记录，不愿触及生活的本质？趁现在还来得及，我想看清楚自己。

我几乎一事无成，大量糟糕的事情正在消耗我的精力。在大学的一年里，我总是对自己失望，我没有遇到志趣相投的人，反而被眼里只有利益只有自己的鬣狗之流所利用，我频繁地被追逐名利的功利傀儡所恶心，为行尸走肉般的大家（包括我自己）感到悲痛，我们好像已经失去了青春，失去了激情，失去了童真。

我一直在规划我的人生，也一直害怕失败，我不愿意相信自己，所以总是不愿意迈出第一步，我总是做最好的打算，又总是规划很多退路，然后一直待在舒适圈里。我不知道被什么东西束缚住了，也许是过去阴魂不散的失败感，所以我害怕一切都会付诸东流，于是干脆选择永不开始，似乎是惯性让我接受我是一个失败的人，让我对每一次开始都充满恐惧。

实际上我只有1/10的人生是有规律的，剩下的时间只是被推着向前，在大多数情况下，我的思想模糊不清，总是在恰当的时间出现，沉没，然后立即被我忘得一干二净。起码，我想变成½，或者⅓，即使很多事情没有开始，我想尽可能地将生命交给“我自己”，交给有意识的自己，选择任意一件事并投身去做，那么一切一定会大有不同，一定会“命运的齿轮开始转动”。如果“我自己”的生活成为旋律，又有什么高峰我达不到呢？

小王子说：“使沙漠如此美丽的，是它在某处藏着一眼泉水。”多么浪漫的一句话啊，即便是处在糟糕的现状，仍旧存在着一丝希望，为此多少人付出了自己的所有生命去寻求，他们不在乎是否真的能找到，也不在乎这是否是海市蜃楼，追寻的过程足以激动人心。

在改变我的方法论前，我想先改变我的生活方式与行为习惯，也是时候结束这沟槽的生活，释放我的生产力了。

这就是我建立此个人博客的初心。

"KNOW MYSELF AGAIN"